You know how in every movie where there is a child, there's that obligatory scene where the parent leans on the doorframe and watches their child sleep?
It's because that's what parents do. This sense of contentment steals over you as you watch your sleeping babe, knowing that they are content. You watch dreams steal across their face and try to see their future in the shape of their chin. Most of all, you stand immersed in blessings with a dreamy half smile.
All the middle of the night screams are forgiven. All the scary moments gone. Tiredness drifts off to sleep and all that's left is the love that you started with, but now the clouds are gone and it can shine.
I'm sure it's a timeless thing; parents stand at the doorway and look into their child's life. Not limited to one place, but all cultures do it. Many that's why the films employ it. That moment resonates in everyone's soul, whether they stand and stare in awe, gaze happily, or worriedly hold them in prayer. You treasure every little sound they make and memorize the way they look today as you know tomorrow they'll have grown again.
On this mother's day (my first!), I'm experiencing all the joys and stresses of motherhood for the first time. This doorway thing is one of the good ones. Gazing at my son is one of my happy things. The night he was born, I barely slept. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him!
The time in the doorway makes me thankful for the wonderful people that my parents are. I wonder how many times they stood and stared at me and me and my siblings. They did so many other splendid things. Being a parent really makes you appreciate all that your parents did. Thank you, Mom and Dad!
My mom has said to me that some of these thoughts I've posted are thoughts she's had (probably she means the sane ones). Perhaps motherhood is a constant? I'm so glad for my mom and the help she's been as we get to know our little man! Very glad for my mother-in-law too, as she's been a great help as well.
And now, if you'll excuse me, I have someone I need to go stare at.
Showing posts with label mommy moments. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mommy moments. Show all posts
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
Changing Viewpoint
Having a son is at times a riot (hilarity), a riot (terror and screaming), a riot (being mobbed with people). He's a fantastic companion, a swell sort of fellow. He doesn't overwhelm with conversation, but his presence is always felt. I can't believe how much fuller life feels with him in it. I can't believe how much life has changed with him in it.
Sure, there were all those changes early on as my body made room for, and just plain made, him. What I'm referring to here is the way my mindset has changed fundamentally in these last few weeks.
Fashion Sense
I find myself perusing clothing in my closet and in shops with one sole thought: how easily can I expose my chest? Coming from a much more modest mindset, it's mildly mirthful to model mainly (come on, I had an "m" thing going) easy access clothing.
Sense of Self
I look at myself not just as a woman now, but as a food source (previously having only believed myself to be tasty to large carnivores like lions and vampires). And I look at my body differently. I'm now proud of some parts of me that used to be only ornamental to make dresses hang nicer. What's the deal with boobs anyway? Why are they such a focus in fashion and life?
Multitasking
As I got ready for a wedding reception, I was running behind and whilst feeding my son, did my face. I saw myself in the mirror and was amused at my newest accessory, while being slightly impressed that I hadn't streaked red lipstick across my face. I've tried to do many things while feeding, some more successfully than others. Sleeping is not a good one of them. My body has tried it and freaked me out.
Sense of Humor
We now find some things hilarious that never used to be. The sound of pooping, for example. A minor facial expression change. Being peed on. These are not things that would normally set the ol' funny bone a jiggling. In fact, the idea of being peed on by anyone else is revolting, but funny when my son does it. And sometimes, just his poop is funny. Is that wrong to say? We were changing his diaper and in the interim, he shot out, getting change table and a large stuffed animal in the face. I cracked up while cleaning up.
Adequate Sleep
I feel refreshed after 2 and half hours of solid sleep. The idea of more seems like a myth. I wake up ready to go or incredibly groggy, and even in groggy moments, go to wide awake easily. I also fall asleep MUCH easier. Thank God for that! As well as his many other blessings babywise. Baby, for example. I must admit, I do like to get pockets of 2 1/2 hour sleeps together. I am for three a night. I usually get one and some shorter ones.
Sense of Contentment
Smelling sweet baby skin, hearing baby goos and coos, even just the light rise and fall of our son breathing. It's music to my ears, nectar to my nose and happiness ladled on my soul.
Many other things have changed since having our son, not the least of which are his clothes, which get changed at least twice a day lately... It's an exciting adventure we're on.
And it's just beginning.
Sure, there were all those changes early on as my body made room for, and just plain made, him. What I'm referring to here is the way my mindset has changed fundamentally in these last few weeks.
Fashion Sense
I find myself perusing clothing in my closet and in shops with one sole thought: how easily can I expose my chest? Coming from a much more modest mindset, it's mildly mirthful to model mainly (come on, I had an "m" thing going) easy access clothing.
Sense of Self
I look at myself not just as a woman now, but as a food source (previously having only believed myself to be tasty to large carnivores like lions and vampires). And I look at my body differently. I'm now proud of some parts of me that used to be only ornamental to make dresses hang nicer. What's the deal with boobs anyway? Why are they such a focus in fashion and life?
Multitasking
As I got ready for a wedding reception, I was running behind and whilst feeding my son, did my face. I saw myself in the mirror and was amused at my newest accessory, while being slightly impressed that I hadn't streaked red lipstick across my face. I've tried to do many things while feeding, some more successfully than others. Sleeping is not a good one of them. My body has tried it and freaked me out.
Sense of Humor
We now find some things hilarious that never used to be. The sound of pooping, for example. A minor facial expression change. Being peed on. These are not things that would normally set the ol' funny bone a jiggling. In fact, the idea of being peed on by anyone else is revolting, but funny when my son does it. And sometimes, just his poop is funny. Is that wrong to say? We were changing his diaper and in the interim, he shot out, getting change table and a large stuffed animal in the face. I cracked up while cleaning up.
Adequate Sleep
I feel refreshed after 2 and half hours of solid sleep. The idea of more seems like a myth. I wake up ready to go or incredibly groggy, and even in groggy moments, go to wide awake easily. I also fall asleep MUCH easier. Thank God for that! As well as his many other blessings babywise. Baby, for example. I must admit, I do like to get pockets of 2 1/2 hour sleeps together. I am for three a night. I usually get one and some shorter ones.
Sense of Contentment
Smelling sweet baby skin, hearing baby goos and coos, even just the light rise and fall of our son breathing. It's music to my ears, nectar to my nose and happiness ladled on my soul.
Many other things have changed since having our son, not the least of which are his clothes, which get changed at least twice a day lately... It's an exciting adventure we're on.
And it's just beginning.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Apart/A part of me
I spend a lot of time thinking what it's like having baby live inside of me, but lately have been wondering what it's like for baby to live inside me.
It must be quite cramped in there as the general consensus of strangers is "wow, you must be having a giant baby!". The next person to say this to me may hear the unfriendly suggestions that I have so far managed to bite my tongue on. And if they are right and we do indeed have a 9006 lb baby, well, at least we'll be in the newspaper.
Perhaps it is frustrating being so cramped. Maybe baby kicks so hard to see if he/she can be jarred loose from his or her confinement. (Sidenote: why is it that women used to enter their confinement at the time when their children were being loosed from their confinement?)
Maybe it's comforting being so closely held all the time. Floating around, practicing leg kicks and frog jumps (which kind of hurt when they move my entire torso an inch or so), no cares or worries. Spending all of life with a constant beat of life around, warmth and all needs met with no effort.
Can babies feel excitement? Does our little one know what will happen shortly? Is it afraid of getting stuck or of feeling cold for the first time? Probably not. Baby is content knowing needs are met. Someone else gets to worry about the other things.
Very wise, Baby. You don't need to worry. Mommy's got you. And the best part is, she's not doing this alone. Daddy's got Mommy. God has them both in his hands, just as you are.
Actually, it's a bit odd this thought of what living inside me is like. I only know of two who have done so. Baby won't remember so when I ask, he or she will just look at me funny. I expect to be looked at a lot like that. I look forward to it. The other one is the Holy Spirit. And while it must be uncomfortable for Him, living in a sinful vessel, I know He's at home and working on me even/especially while I'm not.
Both have changed me, that's for sure.
Oh Baby, I want to see you. I want to cuddle you on the outside and see what you look like, count your toes and show you the love that our little family has for you. I know you still need some growing time and that we'll never truly be ready for you to come, but we're looking forward to the adventure that you continue to bring to our life. It will hurt that day when you become separate from me, but you'll always live in my heart.
It must be quite cramped in there as the general consensus of strangers is "wow, you must be having a giant baby!". The next person to say this to me may hear the unfriendly suggestions that I have so far managed to bite my tongue on. And if they are right and we do indeed have a 9006 lb baby, well, at least we'll be in the newspaper.
Perhaps it is frustrating being so cramped. Maybe baby kicks so hard to see if he/she can be jarred loose from his or her confinement. (Sidenote: why is it that women used to enter their confinement at the time when their children were being loosed from their confinement?)
Maybe it's comforting being so closely held all the time. Floating around, practicing leg kicks and frog jumps (which kind of hurt when they move my entire torso an inch or so), no cares or worries. Spending all of life with a constant beat of life around, warmth and all needs met with no effort.
Can babies feel excitement? Does our little one know what will happen shortly? Is it afraid of getting stuck or of feeling cold for the first time? Probably not. Baby is content knowing needs are met. Someone else gets to worry about the other things.
Very wise, Baby. You don't need to worry. Mommy's got you. And the best part is, she's not doing this alone. Daddy's got Mommy. God has them both in his hands, just as you are.
Actually, it's a bit odd this thought of what living inside me is like. I only know of two who have done so. Baby won't remember so when I ask, he or she will just look at me funny. I expect to be looked at a lot like that. I look forward to it. The other one is the Holy Spirit. And while it must be uncomfortable for Him, living in a sinful vessel, I know He's at home and working on me even/especially while I'm not.
Both have changed me, that's for sure.
Oh Baby, I want to see you. I want to cuddle you on the outside and see what you look like, count your toes and show you the love that our little family has for you. I know you still need some growing time and that we'll never truly be ready for you to come, but we're looking forward to the adventure that you continue to bring to our life. It will hurt that day when you become separate from me, but you'll always live in my heart.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
Antenatal class is a hoot. Our leader, Ali, is a genuinely wonderful person and tells us many things about babies and birthing and all sorts of other things.
I find much of this fascinating. I'm overwhelmed that a person, an actual real person, is living inside of me. This person will grow up healthy and strong (hopefully). Who knows what this person will be like? Or achieve? Or become? He or she will probably be a little bit odd, but that's genetic. Seriously, have you met his or her parents?
Not only is this small person growing inside me, but the umbilical cord/placenta takes exactly what it needs from my body and gives it to the small person. Even if I were deficient on something, baby would get it by finding new ways of getting it out of me.
When little person is to be born, it shuffles its way along and even is supposed to turn a couple times, just spontaneously for the easiest exit strategy. I'm pretty sure baby hasn't been reading any medical books, nor could it see the diagrams. This is just what it knows to do from creation.
That's something strange too. Baby used to be nothing. Even smaller than a twinkle in Adrian's eye. It became.
And after baby's out, my body is supposed to do the most incredible things. I always thought I was a freak for blushing with my upper chest, but apparently women's bodies are designed to do that. They warm up so that baby stays warm while being fed as babies aren't great at heat retention. There was even a lady who had one twin colder than the other and via heat sensors they determined that the side of her chest that the cooler baby was on heated up more to make up the difference.
In between contractions, endorphins are released to combat the pain so that women can continue. Just the very act of nursing causes the uterus -which has grown up to 400% it's usual size (I believe it's that high of a number, but now can't find the reference) - to clamp down and prevent hemorrhaging. And breast milk changes in consistency from thinner to thicker to satisfy thirst and hunger and the content of the milk changes according to baby's growth and needs. Cool, eh?
I've reread Psalm 139 a few times lately. It's always been one of my favorites, but the idea of baby being knit in my womb is just so much more powerful right now. I'm glad I'm not the one in charge of knitting. I'd be terrified to drop a stitch. It's incredible how truly fearfully and wonderfully made we all are.
Do me a favor and look at yourself in the mirror. Study briefly who you are and how your incredible body is made up. Scratch your face and watch your body compensate. How many tremendous things go on inside us most complex of machines that we're unaware of?
Sure, it's going to hurt when baby comes out in awhile. No, I'm not looking forward to the pain. I'm just ecstatic that I get to hold our baby after this. I'm just thrilled that I got to be on this side of the creation process. I hope you get/ have gotten this opportunity too.
I find much of this fascinating. I'm overwhelmed that a person, an actual real person, is living inside of me. This person will grow up healthy and strong (hopefully). Who knows what this person will be like? Or achieve? Or become? He or she will probably be a little bit odd, but that's genetic. Seriously, have you met his or her parents?
Not only is this small person growing inside me, but the umbilical cord/placenta takes exactly what it needs from my body and gives it to the small person. Even if I were deficient on something, baby would get it by finding new ways of getting it out of me.
When little person is to be born, it shuffles its way along and even is supposed to turn a couple times, just spontaneously for the easiest exit strategy. I'm pretty sure baby hasn't been reading any medical books, nor could it see the diagrams. This is just what it knows to do from creation.
That's something strange too. Baby used to be nothing. Even smaller than a twinkle in Adrian's eye. It became.
And after baby's out, my body is supposed to do the most incredible things. I always thought I was a freak for blushing with my upper chest, but apparently women's bodies are designed to do that. They warm up so that baby stays warm while being fed as babies aren't great at heat retention. There was even a lady who had one twin colder than the other and via heat sensors they determined that the side of her chest that the cooler baby was on heated up more to make up the difference.
In between contractions, endorphins are released to combat the pain so that women can continue. Just the very act of nursing causes the uterus -which has grown up to 400% it's usual size (I believe it's that high of a number, but now can't find the reference) - to clamp down and prevent hemorrhaging. And breast milk changes in consistency from thinner to thicker to satisfy thirst and hunger and the content of the milk changes according to baby's growth and needs. Cool, eh?
I've reread Psalm 139 a few times lately. It's always been one of my favorites, but the idea of baby being knit in my womb is just so much more powerful right now. I'm glad I'm not the one in charge of knitting. I'd be terrified to drop a stitch. It's incredible how truly fearfully and wonderfully made we all are.
Do me a favor and look at yourself in the mirror. Study briefly who you are and how your incredible body is made up. Scratch your face and watch your body compensate. How many tremendous things go on inside us most complex of machines that we're unaware of?
Sure, it's going to hurt when baby comes out in awhile. No, I'm not looking forward to the pain. I'm just ecstatic that I get to hold our baby after this. I'm just thrilled that I got to be on this side of the creation process. I hope you get/ have gotten this opportunity too.
Friday, February 11, 2011
The Stuff That Dreams Are Made Of
I think that the baby is taking over. You can see its obvious conquest around my midriff. I have surrendered this territory with the hopes of gaining it back. At some point. Probably when the child is 6.
But, and I think it has expanded his or her territory. I am now quite certain that the child has taken control of my mind. Sometimes whilst talking, I'll forget what I'm talking about or how to use words in general.
"Sure, sure," you say - "that's just how you are. I know you of old and this is merely one of those side effects of being Rebecca."
You could be right. I can't remember. But I have more evidence. Early on with baby and now again, my nights are filled with strange dreams. Odd, really. Have you ever dreamed that your sister killed a mouse that resembled a pair of socks that you own? Or that Stephen King kept putting peas in your pasta after communion?
In the books I've read about babies, there are tidbits of information about how often they sleep in a day and how much of that is REM. They wonder what babies dream about. Probably shapes and in black and white, they claim.
I think it's more like this. Baby takes the opportunity to glean Mommy's mind of information. It takes little pieces from here and there, some memories, some musing, some facts and figures. It then tries to assemble these in a reasonable way. It's just not quite sure how yet. So it presses them through the placenta while Mommy is asleep and up to the cavalry occupying the brain space. The brain space shows Mommy the nightly feature who then wakes up confused and somehow even tireder.
(I should posit that this isn't paranoia. This is supposed to be funny, but I'm really tired right now. I was traveling in my dreams a lot. Also, I was an arts student and science is a big pretty mystery to me)
But, and I think it has expanded his or her territory. I am now quite certain that the child has taken control of my mind. Sometimes whilst talking, I'll forget what I'm talking about or how to use words in general.
"Sure, sure," you say - "that's just how you are. I know you of old and this is merely one of those side effects of being Rebecca."
You could be right. I can't remember. But I have more evidence. Early on with baby and now again, my nights are filled with strange dreams. Odd, really. Have you ever dreamed that your sister killed a mouse that resembled a pair of socks that you own? Or that Stephen King kept putting peas in your pasta after communion?
In the books I've read about babies, there are tidbits of information about how often they sleep in a day and how much of that is REM. They wonder what babies dream about. Probably shapes and in black and white, they claim.
I think it's more like this. Baby takes the opportunity to glean Mommy's mind of information. It takes little pieces from here and there, some memories, some musing, some facts and figures. It then tries to assemble these in a reasonable way. It's just not quite sure how yet. So it presses them through the placenta while Mommy is asleep and up to the cavalry occupying the brain space. The brain space shows Mommy the nightly feature who then wakes up confused and somehow even tireder.
(I should posit that this isn't paranoia. This is supposed to be funny, but I'm really tired right now. I was traveling in my dreams a lot. Also, I was an arts student and science is a big pretty mystery to me)
Saturday, February 5, 2011
I'm Gonna Sing Til the Baby Moves...
The child is being exciting this morning. Recently it's gotten so tight in my belly that we can actually see it moving and changing position. Somedays it doesn't stop moving. Other days, it (I know, a terrible term, but "they" would be confusing and "he" or "she" would be misleading, so we'll stick with it for now) just relaxes and boots me occasionally so I don't panic. Obviously the child has picked up the she'll be right mentality already.
Watching my belly is now one of my favorite pastimes. It's strange and bewildering to know that there is a person, an actual little person, living inside me. Watching this little Adrian-Rebecca mixture play inside an area previously used for nothing much exciting at all is an adventure. I'm like a child watching a spin washing machine. Every little bump and nudge is highly appreciated and encouraged. It is fairly odd to watch your midriff change shape though.
It's kind of like this: do you remember as a child how you (or a friend of yours) had a small pet - a hamster or mouse or lizard or something? And of course one day, it got loose when someone was holding it and it bolted up someone's pantleg? Do you remember watching it creep around, changing the shape of their clothing and how they always had that freaked out expression of "that feels weird and creepy"? Now imagine that being inside the person. The shape and weirdness, not the hamster. That would be wrong. That's what I get to see most days.
It's been a fun little progression, this dance our baby has perfected. First the soft movements, classified by all and sundry as "butterfly wings". How someone decided this term was perfect, I don't know. It felt more like .... um .... having had swallowed a cotton ball and then the cotton ball rubbing itself occasionally against skin. Okay fine, it felt like butterfly wings. Then kicks and jabs that astounded and shocked me with their strength - which I no longer feel, but Adrian can feel through my skin. Now this.
It's a hoot.
Watching my belly is now one of my favorite pastimes. It's strange and bewildering to know that there is a person, an actual little person, living inside me. Watching this little Adrian-Rebecca mixture play inside an area previously used for nothing much exciting at all is an adventure. I'm like a child watching a spin washing machine. Every little bump and nudge is highly appreciated and encouraged. It is fairly odd to watch your midriff change shape though.
It's kind of like this: do you remember as a child how you (or a friend of yours) had a small pet - a hamster or mouse or lizard or something? And of course one day, it got loose when someone was holding it and it bolted up someone's pantleg? Do you remember watching it creep around, changing the shape of their clothing and how they always had that freaked out expression of "that feels weird and creepy"? Now imagine that being inside the person. The shape and weirdness, not the hamster. That would be wrong. That's what I get to see most days.
It's been a fun little progression, this dance our baby has perfected. First the soft movements, classified by all and sundry as "butterfly wings". How someone decided this term was perfect, I don't know. It felt more like .... um .... having had swallowed a cotton ball and then the cotton ball rubbing itself occasionally against skin. Okay fine, it felt like butterfly wings. Then kicks and jabs that astounded and shocked me with their strength - which I no longer feel, but Adrian can feel through my skin. Now this.
It's a hoot.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Mommy Moments
Hello to everyone out there in the blogosphere!
I've caved. I've cracked. I swore I'd never get a blog, and here I am, writing my first post. But hey, I also swore I'd never marry a pastor and look where that got me!
I've decided to use this space for the overcrowded thoughts of my mind: a place to pour out stories, queries and oddments. And truth be told, my mind needs a bit of airing out. It's getting busy in there with the thoughts of the future and the preoccupations of the now.
At this moment a small person is growing inside me. This bewildering miracle will be the source of much of my postings. It's strange that such an ordinary happening as a child would cause so much change, not only to life and living, but to thoughts, ideas and goals. I'm almost certain that every first time mother feels like no one has experienced what she's going through - not in a self important sort of way, but in a overwhelming, complex, everything is changing kind of way. And anytime I share anything uniquely mommy that's happened to me, other parents nod and smile in that truly knowing way. It's a strange sort of club we've entered.
Today I was walking past the shoes at the front door when I caught sight of a spiderweb. Not content to just brush it away, the vacuum cleaner came out and I meticulously sucked it up. Suddenly everything seemed vacuumable and I had a jolly time vacuuming shoes, crevices and corners.
This is not normal behaviour. And, I fear, it's just the beginning.
I've caved. I've cracked. I swore I'd never get a blog, and here I am, writing my first post. But hey, I also swore I'd never marry a pastor and look where that got me!
I've decided to use this space for the overcrowded thoughts of my mind: a place to pour out stories, queries and oddments. And truth be told, my mind needs a bit of airing out. It's getting busy in there with the thoughts of the future and the preoccupations of the now.
At this moment a small person is growing inside me. This bewildering miracle will be the source of much of my postings. It's strange that such an ordinary happening as a child would cause so much change, not only to life and living, but to thoughts, ideas and goals. I'm almost certain that every first time mother feels like no one has experienced what she's going through - not in a self important sort of way, but in a overwhelming, complex, everything is changing kind of way. And anytime I share anything uniquely mommy that's happened to me, other parents nod and smile in that truly knowing way. It's a strange sort of club we've entered.
Today I was walking past the shoes at the front door when I caught sight of a spiderweb. Not content to just brush it away, the vacuum cleaner came out and I meticulously sucked it up. Suddenly everything seemed vacuumable and I had a jolly time vacuuming shoes, crevices and corners.
This is not normal behaviour. And, I fear, it's just the beginning.
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